Waka waka tiki taka

Alles, was ich vom Wochenende wollte, war, dass Löw seine Jungs in einer innovativen 0-4-6 Formation aufstellt, bei der jeder Klose den Ball zuarbeitet. Scheiß drauf ob wir 2-9 gegen die Urus verlieren. Hauptsache die zwei Deutschen Tore kommen von Miro.

Es gab Tore, und zwei waren typische Klose Tore - ein Abstauber und ein Kopfball - leider stand Klose nicht auf dem Platz.

Glückwunsch, Spanien. Willkommen im Club der Weltmeister. Ihr verdient es dafür, dass Ihr das zweitbeste Team der Welt geschlagen habt. Plus Holland.

Mein WM-Rückblick klebt irgendwo anders im Internetz. Stattdessen an dieser Stelle ein Best Of Warren Ellis. Seine Live-Kommentare zu den Spielen waren die Anti-Vuvuzelas und die beste Existenzberechtigung für Twitter seit der grünen Revolution.

GERMANY VS ENGLAND

"See mighty England greet the German squad. See mighty England shit themselves."

"If you look closely, you can see pee leaking out of the England players whenever a German approaches."

"I can’t come up with anything funnier than those two goals by Germany."

GERMANY VS ARGENTINA

"Argentina's Messi seems to be playing a game all on his own. Sadly, not the same game everyone else is playing."

"Argentina aimlessly kicking the ball among themselves, hoping the Germans will get bored enough to start drinking."

"Germany affirm their superiority by flinging Argentinians at the pitch."

"Take note: German goalkeepers do not merely catch the ball. They punch it until it goes away."

"Half-time. I do hope Maradona has enough cocaine for all his players."

"Someone has just suggested to me that vuvuzelas are simply Diego Maradona's coke straws."

"That wasn't a foul. If an Argentinian danced that badly in front of me for that long, I'd kick his legs out too."

"Germany summon the ancient Saxon spirit that drove them to invade Britain and eat all our women a thousand years ago. 2-0."

"Argentina dared to kick the ball again after that perfect second goal, so Germany scored a third to punish them."

"Germany's real asset: they've a player called Bastian Schweinsteiger. A man who could crush you with his name alone."

"German efficiency demands a nice round number. 4 - 0."

"And that's the end of that. Kindly vuvuzelas drown out the sound of Maradona's suicide gunshot. Thank you for your company, Twitter."

GERMANY VS SPAIN

"The Germans are fielding a player called KROOS. How dare the Spaniards disrespect a man called KROOS?"

"And KROOS will have to return to the iron-spiked space mansion that I like to imagine a man called KROOS would own."

GERMANY VS URUGUAY

"Schweinsteiger should be striding across Germany right now, judging the guilty and impregnating women with his uncanny foot."

"New rule: if someone dispossesses Schweinsteiger of the ball, Schweinsteiger is allowed to execute them on the spot."

"Half-time. Uruguayan team discover that the mere presence of Schweinsteiger has turned their gonads into ovaries."

"But the game is not over yet. Remember: Schweinsteiger’s first name, Bastian, is German for “Man-Kraken.”"

"Germany score third goal by just kind of throwing six people at it until it goes in. Sort of a competitive gangbang."

SPAIN VS NETHERLANDS

"The Dutch do the only sensible thing at this point, and start breaking Spanish legs."

"oh god would one of you just kick the fucking ball at a fucking goal I don’t even care if it’s your own fucking goal."

"At this point, I’d find it hard to care if the ref started shooting people instead of showing them yellow cards."

"That would have been a good shot at the goal if the goal had been in the next country over."

"sorry for pause: fell asleep, brief lovely dream in which one of these shit brigades scored a goal and we all went home"

"Fire lit at corner flag, where Dutch are roasting the bits of flesh they’ve kicked off the Spanish during the match."